I’ve always been a bit bossy. When we played “school-school” as kids, I’d be the teacher. Playing at “getting married”? Guess who would always choose to be the groom… I have preferred being the chief in charge for as long as I can remember.
This penchant for leading instead of following has taken me places, though, and I wouldn’t necessarily want it any other way. The point is, if I can choose between taking the lead or sitting idly by while others do what needs to be done, I would always pick getting my hands dirty and leading through example. SItuations where I don’t have any choice but to follow or await instructions frustrate me immensely.
Of course, this could sometimes make me an irritating companion. Just ask my long-suffering husband. I married a man who is strong enough to be a leader for me, but still sometimes (mostly subconsciously) try to give him orders. He doesn’t fall for it, naturally. 😉
Today, I am in a position where I manage a group of people in a position that I’m very passionate about. Being a dreamer, I’ve envisioned taking it to the moon, piggybacking my team along for the ride. Unfortunately, to a certain extent, I’m obligated to be idle. All I can do is sit and wait for decisions to be made in the structures above me, on things that would directly affect me. It’s the way of the world I work in that every decision needs a trail of decisions to decide on making a decision… which obviously goes against my go-getter grain. I really love my job, so I try my best to be patient – while I’m climbing the ladder, I’m also learning the bureaucratic ropes.
So, basically, I’m screwed.
However, I do believe God made me this way – every bossy bone in my body – so I’m starting to suspect this is a test. Even if I’ve never been the rebellious type, submitting my will to anyone has always been the biggest challenge for me. If I see a problem, I want to fix it. If I experience resistance, I want to see it crumble. I’m a rehabilitating feminist who kills her own spiders, after all! 🙂
But where does God come in? Where is my faith that He really is in control if I persistently insist on micro-managing it all? And where does my responsibility end to do whatever I think should be done, so that His will can be done? This is my greatest struggle and has always been an obstacle in my faith. My mother taught me that you can’t sit under the chicken coup and expect not to be pooped on. So, does that mean I first have to choose correctly not to submit to the chickens, so that I can be in the place He actually wants me to be?
Frankly, the voices in my head speak so loudly sometimes (about what I should do and where I should go) that I suspect God has a hard time screaming loudly enough for me to hear. And who am I to expect that, anyway? I’m struggling to remember that it’s actually counter-productive to do first and then pray, instead of praying first to ask what I should do.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing whatever I can, because I don’t think I should. I believe that we were created with free will for exactly that purpose. But I know that his Spirit can guide me in the right direction, even if I have to drive there myself. So, from today, I’m resolving (yet again) to give it all to Him. I’m letting go, and I’m letting God, and I’m putting those voices on mute.
If you bump into me in the near future, you might want to remind me again, though. Chances are I might be on my way to the chicken coup as we speak…